This would have to be the most common question I get asked in my work.  

I would say that every parent, including myself, has experienced the frustration of giving an instruction that seems to fall on deaf ears.  

A wonderful part of being a child is that everything is fresh and new. There is so much to be discovered, tested, invented and shown off. Time is irrelevant and imagination is unlimited.

We might want our child to get dressed, but our agenda is no match for their world. I feel it’s important to acknowledge the creative stage of life that children are in and to nurture this as much as we can. However, we also need to teach our children the skills that will support them to flourish in families, groups, education settings, and beyond. Following instructions is one of these skills. 

Here are 3 key questions to guide instruction giving and support follow through: 

Where are you giving the instruction from?  

We need to anchor our child’s attention before giving the instruction. Put yourself in the same room and, ideally, on the same level as your child. Instructions given from a distance or from another room will get lost. You might also say their name or hold their hand to help them focus and hear what you have to say. 

How are you giving the instruction? 

Firstly, instructions need to be clear and direct. This means we tell our child what TO DO, instead of what not to do. If they are running in the house, we say, “walk in the house”.  

Secondly, instructions need to be calm. Of course, this is not always going to be the case; we feel ignored, we get frustrated, and that’s ok. Aim for ‘mostly’ calm instructions. Children mirror their parents. That means, if we are stressed and dysregulated, they will feel stressed and dysregulated too. Stress affects information processing and memory, both of which are required to follow an instruction.  

I would like to acknowledge here that being a calm parent does require good strategies, commitment and, at times, exertion. However, the effect of calming strategies is accumulative; therefore, the more we practice, the easier it is to be calm.   

How many instructions are you giving? 

Children are processing a lot of information through all their senses, in every moment. Following multiple instructions at once requires functions in the brain that are not yet fully developed. To set your child up for success, ensure you are giving only one instruction at a time.   

If you would like to learn more about this and how it might relate to your parenting experience, please feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to discuss how we can work together to meet the needs of you and your family. 

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